Marketing Time Warp: TCS Edition - The Digital Abyss
The Group Head of Marketing (GHOM) summons his team for their "Digital Revolution Strategy Session" in a conference room still decorated with motivational posters from 1987. The Market Intelligence Manager (MIM) arrives with six different mobile devices, desperately trying to manage the company's neglected social media accounts before the meeting.
GHOM: *adjusts his power tie while turning on an actual overhead projector* "Team, after extensive research—I watched my grandson play with his phone for fifteen minutes—I've cracked the code on this digital marketing thing!"
*Pulls out a hand-drawn diagram on transparency film*
GHOM: "BEHOLD! My complete digital ecosystem!"
*The diagram shows a computer connected by arrows to a clip art image of a shopping cart*
MIM: *stifling laughter* "Sir, what about our social media strategy? Our competitors are—"
GHOM: *interrupts triumphantly* "AH! Social media! Yes, I've solved it! We'll host a NETWORKING COCKTAIL PARTY and take POLAROIDS of everyone socializing. Then, we'll MAIL the photos to their OFFICES! That's SOCIAL! That's MEDIA! BOOM!"
*Junior marketer silently records this for her TikTok*
MIM: "I meant platforms like Instagram, Twitter, TikT—"
GHOM: *waving dismissively* "Those are just fads. MySpace is where the real business happens!"
*Entire team exchanges glances*
MIM: "And our Google campaigns? The search and display ads need—"
GHOM: *suddenly excited* "GOOGLE! Yes! I've hired someone to physically go to the Google headquarters and hand out our brochures! And for display ads, I've negotiated prime window space at the mall!"
*Pulls out actual contract with local mall*
Marketing Coordinator: "Sir, that's not how Google works—"
GHOM: "Of course it is! Google is a building where people go to search for things! Like a library but with computers!"
*Marketing team biting knuckles to prevent laughter*
MIM: "What about remarketing and retargeting strategies?"
GHOM: *blank stare, then confidently* "Re-marketing is simple! If they don't buy the first time, we mail them the SAME BROCHURE but in a DIFFERENT COLOR ENVELOPE!"
*Slams table with excitement*
GHOM: "And RE-TARGETING just means we TARGET them AGAIN! We'll call everyone who didn't respond to our faxes and ask why not!"
*Digital Specialist quietly bangs head against wall*
GHOM: *suddenly serious* "Now, gather around for my masterstroke."
*Team reluctantly huddles*
GHOM: *whispers dramatically* "We're going to put our WEBSITE ADDRESS... on our BUSINESS CARDS!"
*Waits for applause that doesn't come*
MIM: "Sir, what about our declining conversion rates and bounce—"
GHOM: "CONVERSION RATES? You mean like dollars to euros? Let accounting handle that! And BOUNCE? Is that a new laundry detergent?"
*Pulls out actual newspaper from briefcase*
GHOM: "Speaking of which, I've placed a QUARTER-PAGE AD in the SUNDAY PAPER! That's where all the millennials get their news, right?"
*Intern chokes on coffee*
Social Media Manager: "We need to discuss our influencer marketing strategy—"
GHOM: *eyes wide with recognition* "INFLUENCERS! Yes! I've hired a TOWN CRIER to stand outside our building and SHOUT our tagline! Talk about INFLUENCE!"
*Proudly shows photo of confused man in colonial costume*
MIM: *desperately* "Our competitors are using programmatic advertising and—"
GHOM: "PRO-GRAMMAR advertising? Excellent idea! I've hired an ENGLISH TEACHER to proofread our billboards! No more typos for us!"
*CFO enters looking concerned*
CFO: "Our digital marketing ROI is non-existent. What's our strategy for Q4?"
GHOM: *beaming with pride* "We're going ALL-IN on digital! I've ordered 10,000 DIGITAL CALCULATORS with our logo! When customers press the numbers, they'll think of our PRICES!"
*Demonstrates by pressing random buttons on a calculator*
CFO: *horrified* "What about SEO? PPC? CPC? Our CAC is through the roof!"
GHOM: *confidently* "Alphabet soup! I don't speak in code! I speak in RESULTS!"
*Flips to another transparency showing a graph drawn in crayon, clearly going up*
GHOM: "And for our piece de resistance... VIRAL MARKETING!"
*Dramatic pause*
GHOM: *pulls out stack of papers* "I've printed 5,000 copies of an ACTUAL FUNNY JOKE! When people read it, they'll LITERALLY SPREAD IT like a VIRUS!"
*Reads from paper* "Why did the marketer cross the road? To get to the OTHER DEMOGRAPHIC! HA!"
*Crickets*
GHOM: *checking his actual Casio digital watch* "Gotta run! My grandson is showing me how to use the electronic mail on my new computer! It only takes 20 minutes to boot up now!"
*Exits, leaving stunned team behind*
MIM: *to team* "So... who's updating their LinkedIn profile tonight?"
*Everyone raises hands*
Narrator: "TCS Marketing: Where 'going viral' means getting a seasonal flu shot before the company picnic."