"The Golden Age Comedy Hour: A State of the Union Address"
*[Walks to podium amid exaggerated applause sound effects]*
Ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress, Supreme Court justices, and my fellow Americans watching at home in their pajamas! USA! USA!
*[Pauses for imaginary chants]*
Thank you for that tremendous welcome—the most spectacular welcome in the history of welcomes. People are saying it's the greatest welcome ever given to anyone, anywhere.
*[Adjusts tie dramatically]*
I'm delighted to report that AMERICA IS BACK! Back from where? Nobody knows! But we're back!
*[Gestures to Republican side]*
Look at these beautiful people applauding. And look at these Democrats—
*[Gestures to other side]*
You know, I could announce I've discovered the fountain of youth, cured every disease known to mankind, and found Jimmy Hoffa, and these folks would still sit there like they're waiting for a delayed subway.
*[Mimics serious face]*
In just 43 days—that's right, only 43 days—we've accomplished more than any administration in the history of administrations. Number two on that list? George Washington. How about that? I don't know about that list, but we'll take it!
*[Exaggerated wink]*
Speaking of borders—our beautiful, beautiful borders—illegal crossings are down. Why? They heard my words and chose not to come! That's right—turns out all we needed was someone to say "please don't." Who knew?
*[Pretends to read from notes]*
I've terminated the ridiculous Green New Scam, withdrawn from the Paris Accord, renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America—because why not?—and ordered all federal workers back to the office. If they don't show up, they're fired! It's just like my old TV show, except nobody gets famous.
*[Points to ceiling dramatically]*
And today, I'm thrilled to announce our newest government agency—the Department of Government Efficiency—or DOGE for short. Yes, like the meme! Running it is Elon Musk, who's in the gallery tonight.
*[Waves to imaginary Elon]*
He didn't need this job. He has enough jobs! But he's finding tremendous waste. Listen to this: $8 million for making mice transgender! I don't know what that means, but it sounds expensive! $10 million for male circumcision in Mozambique! $20 million for Arab Sesame Street! Big Bird doesn't need to learn Arabic, folks!
*[Flips page with flourish]*
Our Social Security database lists 3.9 million Americans aged 130 to 139. Incredible! 3.5 million people aged 140 to 149! And one person—ONE PERSON—is 360 years old! More than 100 years older than our country! I want to meet this person. What's their secret? Is it Diet Coke?
*[Takes exaggerated sip of water]*
For tax reform, I'm calling for no tax on tips, no tax on overtime, and no tax on Social Security benefits. And I want to make interest payments on car loans tax deductible—but ONLY if the car is made in America. If you want to drive a foreign car, that's fine, but Uncle Sam won't help you pay for it!
*[Points aggressively at imaginary foreign car]*
Now, about Panama Canal—you know the story. Built by Americans, for Americans. Given away by the Carter administration for ONE DOLLAR! ONE! Like a yard sale item! But that agreement has been violated, so we're taking it back. Marco Rubio is in charge of this. Good luck, Marco! If anything goes wrong, we know who to blame!
*[Thumbs up to imaginary Marco]*
And I have a message for the incredible people of Greenland: We welcome you into the United States! We need Greenland for national security. And international security. Just security in general. It's very, very large land. Very cold. But we like cold, don't we, folks?
*[Shivers dramatically]*
To boost immigration of the right kind of people, we're creating the Gold Card. For $5 million, you can buy a path to citizenship! It's like the Green Card but better and more sophisticated. Gold is always better than green, am I right?
*[Pretends to flash gold card]*
In conclusion, with God's help, we're going to lead this nation higher than ever before. We're going to plant the American flag on Mars and even FAR BEYOND. Aliens, if you're listening, we're coming! And we're going to make you pay for the rocket!
*[Raises arms triumphantly]*
The Golden Age of America has only just begun! Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!
*[Walks away from podium as half the room gives standing ovation and other half rapidly exits]*