The Digital Dark Ages: How TCS Marketing Stumbled Through the Internet Revolution
The Group Head of Marketing (GHOM) waddles into the conference room wearing a suit that hasn't been fashionable since Reagan was president. His hair is meticulously combed over a balding spot that's visible from space. The Market Intelligence Manager (MIM)—formerly the department secretary until the GHOM needed someone to check his AOL email—scurries behind him carrying three different notepads and the GHOM's lukewarm coffee.
GHOM: *squinting at a printout* "What's this meeting about again? Something about digit-digits?"
MIM: *enthusiastically* "Digital marketing, sir! Just like you brilliantly suggested last week... and the week before... and the month before that."
GHOM: *blank stare, then suddenly animated* "RIGHT! My groundbreaking idea! Write this down, what's-your-name!"
MIM: "It's Kevin, sir. I've been your Market Intelligence Manager for three years now."
GHOM: "Whatever. WRITE THIS DOWN: We're going to revolutionize our marketing with something called... um... *squints at smudged writing on palm* ...dig-it-all mark-e-ting."
*Digital marketing team exchanges knowing glances of despair*
MIM: *furiously scribbling nonsense* "BRILLIANT, sir! Absolutely REVOLUTIONARY! No one has ever thought of this before!"
GHOM: *beaming* "Now, about this Facepage thing the kids are using—"
Junior Marketer: "You mean Facebook, sir? Or perhaps Instagram? TikTok?"
GHOM: *irritated* "Don't interrupt! I was just about to say MyFaceGramBook! We need a page on it immediately!"
MIM: *nodding vigorously* "Sir's memory for these platforms is IMPECCABLE!"
*Junior marketer mouths "kill me now" to colleagues*
GHOM: *suddenly distracted* "Did I tell you about my fishing trip in '86? It was a Tuesday... or maybe a Wednesday..."
MIM: *leaning in eagerly* "It was a THURSDAY, sir! You caught a 7-pound bass! You've told us this story is a cornerstone of your marketing philosophy!"
GHOM: "Exactly! And that's why we need to... um... what were we talking about?"
MIM: "Google search campaigns, sir!"
GHOM: *confident nod* "Yes! Google! The blue one with the F!"
MIM: *without missing a beat* "EXACTLY right, sir! Your understanding of these platforms is UNMATCHED!"
*Marketing team silently updating resumes under the table*
GHOM: *pulls flip phone from pocket* "This keeps buzzing with little pictures. Make it stop!"
MIM: *rushing over* "Those are WhatsApp messages, sir! From the CEO asking about our digital strategy!"
GHOM: *frustrated* "Tell him we're doing the digital! The BEST digital! With the clicking and the typing and the whooshing sounds!"
*Mimes typing in the air*
MIM: *already typing on his phone* "Informing the CEO that our comprehensive omnichannel strategy incorporating programmatic advertising and predictive analytics is exceeding benchmarks, sir!"
GHOM: *puzzled* "Is that what I said?"
MIM: "You didn't have to say it, sir! Your GENIUS was IMPLIED!"
*Digital Specialist quietly bangs head against whiteboard*
GHOM: *suddenly alarmed* "What's remarketing? Someone mentioned it in the elevator and I nodded like I knew!"
MIM: *instantly* "Remarketing is exactly what YOU taught US, sir! It's when we... um... market again! Double marketing! Twice the marketing, twice the results!"
GHOM: *relieved* "Yes! That's what I thought! Write that down as my idea!"
*Social Media Manager silently records this exchange for her future memoir "How I Survived Marketing Hell"*
GHOM: *squinting at whiteboard* "What are all these lines and circles? Is this a new game?"
MIM: "That's our digital funnel strategy that YOU created, sir! Each circle represents a... um... digital... thing!"
GHOM: *nodding sagely* "Yes, the digital things. Very important. Make sure we have enough of them."
*CFO enters looking stressed*
CFO: "Our competitors have increased market share by 30% through targeted digital campaigns while our ROI is negative. What's our strategy?"
GHOM: *completely confident* "We're going BIG on the Googles and the Tweets! We're doing the remarketing AND the pretargeting!"
MIM: *jumping in* "Sir means PREmarketing and RETARgeting! His vision is so advanced he's created new terminology!"
CFO: *staring in horror* "Do either of you actually know what any of these terms mean?"
GHOM & MIM in unison: "OF COURSE!"
GHOM: *whispers to MIM* "What did he ask again?"
MIM: *whispers back* "No idea, but I nodded confidently!"
GHOM: *stands triumphantly* "Meeting adjourned! Someone print me out the internet so I can review it before next week!"
*Exits, walking straight into a closet*
MIM: *frantically opening door* "Sir's just testing if we're paying attention to his GENIUS MOVES!"
*Marketing team silently slides under table*
Narrator: "TCS Marketing: Where digital transformation means the GHOM finally learned to use the office printer... sometimes... if someone helps him find the power button."